Thoughts...

10/3/09. 3:44pm. “I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.<3”

You’re the only one who says it better than Conor himself. I love you [:

Well, I have to say…

It’s a shitty feeling to find out the only person you’ve been able to “trust” for the last year, the person you thought was your absolute best friend (and were really quite head over heels for…) is a complete fake.  Just like any other guy.  I can’t adjust… There’s no balance in this situation.  I either completely hate you.  Or completely love you, and want to forget what I heard.  Or just find ways around it.  I can’t stop thinking about it, how I found you out to be such a lie, but how real and how honest it felt when you kissed me.  And the way you looked in my eyes like nothing else mattered.  You put on quite a show, I must say.

It’s probably not a good thing.

It’s probably not a good thing, when I look back at the pages of this blog and can hardly remember writing the majority of it.  I spent entirely too long wrapped up in depression and self-injury, and it was like I was a completely different person then.  I can honestly say I’m happy now.  The state I’m in currently, I’d never write anything like that.  I’m turning this page around to be something completely different.  Something brighter.  Something that suits me NOW.  There are better days ahead :)

It’s summer! Finally. I’m officially a senior… It feels so weird. No kidding. Like, a few more months and I’ll have to start applying for college, and worrying about graduation. This is INSANE. This is the most surreal feeling.

Rambling on hallways, and trap doors.

This hallway doesn’t end, does it? Doors everywhere, brick walls and obstacle courses behind each one. I keep searching for that one… The one that will let me out of here, into a brighter place. I’m losing hope. The floor beneath my feet holds a few doors of it’s own. Trap doors, into infinite darkness. One press of the button, and I’m gone. I’ve escaped this labyrinth, and I’m nowhere to be seen. But wait. You were running that hallway too, weren’t you? I was too busy chasing him to take note of you calling my name. Watch out for the door I left open on my way down, because it’s still open, and I’d hate for you to fall victim to my selfish mode of escape. Keep running, darling. Your door has to be closer than mine would have been. You’re a few steps from happiness, somewhere I don’t exist.

To the ones that have broken my heart: You’re masochists. Each and every one of you. You enjoy this kind of pain? I had no idea hurting someone else could hurt worse than being cheated on, lied to, or led on. I hate this. I’m sorry… :/

It’s a work in progress.

I’m trying to get this done. So I wrapped it up quickly, and didn’t really read over it. I guess that might make it a little more real, a little less edited? Either way, here’s to you. I’m standing on top of this mountain of debris that I have spent the last month and a half trying to dig myself out of. I saw this coming a long time ago, remember? I told you that you would soon grow tired of my games, and wear down. Your bridge crumbled into the ocean below, where I was cautiously treading the water. Every pillar that fell landed on my heart, each bringing a new kind of pain (though all were just as excruciating.) The first column collapsed, the initial blow to the chest. I’m breathless, for part of me thought you would never leave me to drown. Astonishment, exit stage left. Enter, numbness, the second concrete tower. It falls, and I experience more pain than I’ve ever known. But it doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Covered in cuts and bruises, I’ve learned to block out the misery. The sun finally starts to shine through to where I’m standing. I try and look at it, but it’s too much too soon. I keep looking overhead and see another column about to fall, and I run away, but not soon enough. This one hits hard and leaves behind an aching that I’m certain will last a lifetime. I call it longing, because it reminds me of the feeling I would get whenever you weren’t there, and I longed for your voice. It’s that same kind of feeling, intensified with the knowledge that our paths will never cross again. I’ve been buried under this pile of rubble for what seems like years when I’m down here alone. For the most part, I have crawled out to sit on top, but every now and then, the wind will blow another piece of you into my hair for me to untangle.

Awwwe :( I just came across this on Truth Box…. It made me want to cry :’( At the age of 5 the boy and girl played in a little grass maze. The little boy ran off. The girl yelled “you lost me”. In 8th grade they were in that same math class. The girl didn;t understand one of the problems. So she asked the boy for help. He started to explain. Once he was done she said “you totally lost me”. They luaghed and he tried to explain again, In 10th grade he asked her to be his girlfriend. After 6 months of dating, she found out he was cheating on her. When the boy called to apologize she picked up… “I never want to talk to you again. You lost me for real this time.” By graduation the girl became veryy sick. She wasn’t at the celebration so he went to visit her. When he arrived he asked how she was doing. The doctor said not well. He rushed to her room. Right as he walked in the moniter started beeping. She stopped breathing, she died. The boy fell to the ground and started to cry. “I lost her for real this time”